So last night – after my training session – I found myself lying in bed thinking about her, wishing I was with her. And what I would to be with her.

I’d do anything, if it meant we would once again be together. Because when we were together; we made each other feel safe, loved, and on top of the world. I miss that.

By now you’re probably wondering why she means so much to me and why I can’t be without her.
It’s all the little things that I miss the most; I know this is what they say in all the films and on the tele but they really are. I miss, the way her hair smells, her dimples when she smiles, the hugs, the feeling of just being with her and the feeling of her lips on mine.

This morning when I woke up, I decided to sort out my room. I accidently stumbled across one of the presents she once bought me, a Bench bracelet (for men), so obviously I put it straight on and I'm never going to take it off. That set my mood for the day, the “I miss her” mood. The mood where all you want to do is feel close to her.

The mood when you watch films that remind you of her. When you look through photographs wishing to take more. When you don’t want to smile. And when you either want to be miserable or with her.

My Dad. What a piece of work he is.

Exactly 6ft, broad, strong and a human joke book. He’s tough, in his prime he was even tougher, a force not to be messed with.

This man and I have a very unique relationship; we are more like two buddies than father and son. He tells me his sex stories and I listen. He tells people mine and people buy me balloons. And he encourages me to drink.

Even though he lives in Shipley and I live in Calverton, a good 45 minutes apart I still see him a couple of times a week. We will usually be in The Rodney at Southwell on a Thursday evening. Having a laugh.

However, he doesn’t think I should reunite with the one I once thought I would be with forever. He believes she tore me apart and doesn’t want me to get hurt that much again. But I will, like I said everything you have you lose.

But this guy still means a hell of a lot to me.

I’m in love, yet I wish I wasn’t.

She’s everything anyone would ever want; she’s smart, sexy and always a pleasure to be around. This young lady was once my little buttercup. But everything you have you lose, no matter how hard you try to keep it you still lose it.

Over a year later and I’m still where I was a year ago, broken hearted, alone (but not lonely) yet happy.

Happy because my life’s good. A job, money, and friends and family – everything but the one thing I really want.

“Move on. She’s got a boyfriend, you can’t go there.”
“She’s messing you about, she keeps doing this. She knows you’re always going to be there for her.”
Some people think that and others say I should go for it and that it doesn’t matter about her boyfriend, that they think she still loves me. But I know. I know she still loves me.